"don't you think it should be that time of month by now?"
Now, I fully realize that most guys would respond with something like,
"how the hell am I supposed to know that, don't you?"
But things clearly work a little differently in the Boyd household. Instead, Brian's response was,
"No, I'm pretty sure it should be in a couple of days...or maybe right around now. Probably not though."
This whole conversation proved to be quite pointless, however, since twenty minutes later I left for the grocery store to buy stuff for breakfast, also fully intending to purchase a pregnancy test no matter what Brian's period calculator had said. Then, although I fully intended to wait a few days before taking it, that whole inability-to-wait for things (see previous entry) took over, and within five minutes of returning home I was peeing on the stick. The little hourglass started blinking on the fancy digital screen, and before even I could start feeling antsy about waiting for the results, up popped a big fat,
"+ YES"
Somehow I missed the plus sign, and thought for a quick second, "Yes, what? Yes, you can keep your plans for drinking mimosas on the patio all day, and when you go to Park City next weekend you can play drinking games at the Raper's just like you always do?"
Then, more reasonably, I realized, "yes, there is a reason you had a hunch about this. After all, there are some things you do know better about yourself than Brian does."
So I hurried into the living room for a quick game of show and tell, since the "show" part didn't register with Brian one bit by itself. After telling him that a) he was holding in his hand a stick that was recently drenched in my urine, and b) that I'm pregnant, he immediately surprised me with the most supportive and loving response one could ask for from their husband...
B: "So what do you think the chances are that you got a false positive?"
E: "Really? Um, I don't have much experience with these, but I'm pretty sure the chances are pretty low."
B: "Ok, well you should pee on that second one just to make sure."
At this point I left Brian in the living room and occupied myself by drinking multiple glasses of water and cleaning the kitchen. I'd never hoped my bladder would fill up so quickly. About five minutes into this, Brian calls me back into the living room.
B: "Hey, so did you happen to put any lotions or perfumes on your vagina this morning?"
E: "Really?"
B: "Yeah, because if you did, that's probably why you got the positive. You know, the chemicals from the lotion or perfume or whatever can throw it off. I Googled it."
Yep folks, one of the very first things Brian did when I shared this exciting and slightly scary news was Google, "chances of false positive pregnancy test".
For the record, I don't have any idea why Brian thought the solution was as simple as vagina lotion. I'm not into that.
